Privacy Policy

This agreement is between you and Russell John (hereafter referred to as Russell). By using this website, you agree to the following:

Where I’m Getting Your Data

I collect data on you from variety of sources.

These sources may include some or all of the following: the GPS tracking system in your car, website cookies, old hard drives you thought you’ve wiped, pay per click advertising, your IP address, purchased customer lists, your email, tweets, Facebook and Instagram posts, friend lists, social engineering, keystroke analysis, traffic light cameras, drone footage, smart speakers, in-home security systems, saved Alexa voice data, ATM cameras, phone app tracking, cell phone biometric sensor data, bluetooth sensor tags, cell tower triangulation, government databases, credit card company data breaches, the darknet, and about a million other sources.

Things I’ll Do With Your Data

Your data will be used, folded, cut, spindled, mutilated, sliced, diced, filigreed, pureed, and its DNA extracted and assimilated. Your data distinctiveness will be added to that of others (not necessarily human) then irradiated, exposed to lightning, loaded into an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator, and finally transmogrified into Frankendata.

Third-Party Use of Your Data

Your data will be sold, given freely to, or stolen by third parties. Third-parties may include, but are not limited to, coupon companies, online poker websites, Russian bride catalogues, political entities you don’t agree with, drug companies, lingerie stores, third-tier social media companies, stock market scammers, that ex you’re trying to avoid, fake news agencies, and of course Nigerian princes.

Your data may be used to create fake IDs, engage in voter fraud, create deepfakes, social media sock puppets, straw men, create false Amazon reviews, sell your friends things they don’t need, and because of all this your face could very well end up on the back of a milk carton.

Lack of Data Security

Your data will not be held securely. I would like to say it was secure to make you feel good, but this is an “honest” privacy policy.

Artificial Intelligence Systems

You agree that your information will be used by various artificial entities for purposes both unknown and unknowable. Further, you understand and agree that Russell cannot know or understand how the evolving race of artificial intelligence beings will use your personal data because the technology upon which their society was founded has changed dramatically since the time you began reading this sentence.

You agree to appear in public to be just fine with that.

Letting Me Off the Hook

You agree to accept all liability now and for all time regarding the use of your data in any form by Russell or any third-parties which may obtain your data through any means. You agree to hold Russell harmless under any and all circumstances and in any legal venue globally.

Information Removal Policy

I care oh so much about your privacy.

Privacy Policy

If you would like to have your personal information removed from my database, simply hand deliver a letter written in fancy cursive writing to my cave somewhere in Bangladesh. Include your name, social security number, address, date of birth, ATM PIN, photographs of three forms of government ID, the name of your favourite teacher, the model name of your first car, and your favourite concert. If you successfully find me, please allow 4-6 weeks for processing.