“Dear Mom, I love you with all my heart. I just wasn’t meant for this world! I hope I can find a place of peace and happiness, a place I am child enough to live, yet man enough to survive. I love you! I hope you can truly believe me. Maybe on my journey I’ll find Jesus. Pray for me mom. Pray I will find happiness. I hurt so bad inside! I want it all to go away. I want a new beginning. I am not afraid to die mom. I’m just so afraid of tomorrow!
To all my friends and loved ones, I ask of you one last favor: don’t let my spirit die. Remember me for the laughs and the good times, the thrills we all had together. I hope I made a place in all your hearts and touched each and every one of you in a special way. I have chosen to die, but I haven’t chosen to be forgotten. I must find a new world, a world of peace and happiness. I want you all to know I am not afraid to die, only to quit living. I’ll miss you.”
“The survival of the fittest. Adios Unfit.”
“I’m going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call the time eternity.”
“I have no family and no friends, very little food, no viable job and very poor future prospects. I have therefore decided that there is no further point in continuing my life. It is my intention to drive to a secluded area, near my home, feed the car exhaust into the car, take some sleeping pills and use the remaining gas in the car to end my life.”
“I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I went online to look up information on suicide: statistics, methods and all that stuff. I was raised in a family where I went to church every Sunday and was taught the importance of faith and God in our lives. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help me. I got hurt… bad… when I was a child. I was hurt in a way that no person, no little child should be hurt. I think about suicide on a daily basis… sometimes it’s all that I can think about. I’ve been hospitalized for attempts before. I’ve been put on medications to help the depression… the mental disorders that doctors are so quick to diagnose. I’m sick of it all. Why should I bother trying anymore? I’m not even afraid of dying. I’m not afraid of pain. I just want to leave this world. Please pray for me. I’m tired of trying.”
“Dear World, I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool – good luck.”
“I have a feeling I shall go mad. I cannot go on longer in these terrible times. I shan’t recover this time. I hear voices and cannot concentrate on my work. I have fought against it but cannot fight any longer.”
“I must end it. There’s no hope left. I’ll be at peace.”
“If I can’t see my daughter here, I will see her from above…”
“I’m trying to watch TV but I don’t know what I’m watching. It’s so lonely here. I want to sleep but it just won’t come. I’m so tired of hurting and being a lone. I keep thinking about the pills in the cabinet but I’m scared. My head hurts so much from crying but if I take anything for it I’m scared I won’t stop and I would want to stop.”
“I don’t have any choice in the matter. To make everything better I have to die. I can’t make it right by living. I’m so scared I want out but oh I don’t know.”
“I’m so cold, please do something. I can’t stand this empty feeling that I’m having. My head is horrible. Stop the pounding it hurts so much. I have no control over anything in my life. I’m breaking into pieces. Somebody do something.”
“What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here. No more I will pay the bills. No more I will drive the car. No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes. No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before. This is no way to live. Either is it any way to die. Her grub I can not eat. At night I can not sleep. I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.”
“My kisses burn into your soul,
My touch melts upon your skin,
My eyes reflect my misery
Of the darkness deep within,
I am a waste of time,
So now I shall die.”
“The time has come for me to move on. I don’t come to this decision lightly, however, but now that I’m older, I’ve finally realized that there’s a world of difference between living happily ever after and just living ever after. I may seem strong. But I’m not I’m just like anyone else. We can feel pain. We can die. And I won’t be the one to destroy anyone else’s hopes and dreams. Never again.
“I’m sacrificing myself to save the countless many who would have to die if I were to live. It’s a noble cause, I figure. A good reason to die. I like to think you’d agree.”
“So that’s it. That’s me. Leaving the world to be a better place.”
“I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”
“To my friends: my work is done. Why wait?”
“When all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one.”
“”Football season Is over. No more games. No more bombs. No more walking. No more fun. No more swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No fun for anybody. 67. You are getting greedy. Act your old age. Relax, this won’t hurt.”
“Goodbye, my friend, goodbye
My love, you are in my heart.
It was preordained we should part
And be reunited by and by.
Goodbye: no handshake to endure.
Let’s have no sadness — furrowed brow.
There’s nothing new in dying now
Though living is no newer.”
“All fled–all done, so lift me on the pyre;
The feast is over, and the lamps expire.”
“Absolutely no reason except I have a toothache.”
I stuggled,then I had an actual neAR DEATH EXPERIENCE.I knew there was something beyond and started to talk with God and listened.He chooses the time not me.I push thru each day, it is a gift I need to unwrap daily.
There was a time when I wanted to end it all, the day I was planning to commit suicide a stranger stopped me before I reached my destination. It’s been 10 years since that day. I know a how some of you feel. Even afterwards it wasn’t easy for those suicidal thoughts to leave my head but I managed to overcome the depression. I decided to live my life to help others who suffer and feel pain, I promise you there is hope, so please don’t give up. I would go into details but there’s just so much to talk about and how I managed to survive through all the suffering and pain. But please just remembered don’t lose hope, it’s and trust me I know buts it’s possible. If anyone ever wants to talk please feel free to message me. I will check this post during the week. If you have kik(a message app), mine is king_kazmaa
My friends. Your life is your life. Most of us suicidal people have had horrible childhoods. It all stems from that. Genetic predispoitions combined with crappy environments and situations. I’ve been so low, it is hard to put it into words. I may abort this mission if I crash again, no way I could handle another crash. Suicide is just death, something we will all experience at some point. Some of us have died inside already anyhow. I don’t know why my life has been so hard, it hurts to see so many people actually living…i feel cursed. I’m with all of you who are “at that point”. Anyone who criticizes our choices or questions our pain is ignorant and was blessed with mental health, opportunities,access, good parents, etc….luck of the draw is all.
Kurt your wrong.. because I am you… shitty environment, tough love the whole package. But at the end of the day we are all our own men, with our own decsions . And you cannot ask God to cut you slack haha I wish it was that easy, but then He’d be going against His will. I’ll tell you what you can do, you can ask for strength to overcome what it is your facing, for courage to go face to face with it. Suicide is not just death its a soul destroyer with no hope and people who are against it aren’t ignorant some of us have been on that road and still are.. have u ever walked in front of multiple buses? Walked thru traffic on one of NYC most dangerous streets for pedestrians? Inhaled the poison that ur friend sprayed on your cigarette? I have, so don’t criticize everyone as being against it is ignorant but trying to save you.. idk u, but i love u cuz I suffer too. But it’s not forever bro.. we don’t even live forever so how could the pain be forever? You ever thought about that? We’re all dead every last one of us. You are not alive till you abide in Jesus and Him in you.
There’s nothing wrong with you mentally, it’s spiritually.
God bless you and let Him give you the strength to overcome this!
I can only, at this point, assume that this pain;a pain that has been with me sine I was a young person has toughened my spirit. Since I now believe in reincarnation, I hope that it will have some meaning when I cross over. I fear suicide as I’ve watched some people tell their experiences after a suicide attempt, where either they died and came back, or had “visions”. The main idea is to overcome this lifes obstacles or maintain in the current state of pain we are in, amplified, for eternity? Real or hallucinations…no clue. But, its so hard for me here on earth…jeez, I feel like asking god to cut me some slack. I must be paying back a karmic debt….i guess I wanted a sweet release, but, just that one womans story scared me…shows how bad some of us can feel
We do not deserve this neurological and mental cancer. Suicide to me, is about person pride, strength to face what many fear, and character.
When we fear life more then the unknown it speaks volumes about what life has done to us….sad,really, for well meaning people to get to that point…i love you all…i am there with you
To anyone who reads this,
Please preserve your life. You can live on!
My name is Anthony, I am 20 years old. I have brother and sisters. I have a mother and a Daddy. I hate my Daddy he made me pass through a lot. At age of 14 years I struggled to finish my secondary and now I am in University. My father have a lot of girl friend out side. He hardly pay my school fees and and other fees. My mother is trying a lot and he find it difficult to meet our needs because she is the only one training us my father don’t want to care about us. He beat up my mother and call her names. I have done a lot of crazily things and I have been through a lot of things it pain a lot most time I will think of suicide but I can’t do it because I love my mother she will die if I die. I don’t want to hurt those that love. But I will keep on and when I won’t stand it any more I will take my life
Anthony, I’m sorry your going through what your going through. But most of all I’m sorry for your mother, just imagine if this is how you feel how she feels. And I could tell off what you said, she’s not faking her love for you and your siblings, it is genuine love! You got to remember she was once your age and I’m sure she never even fathomed that life would end up where it’s at but she’s still going, aND fighting for you and your siblings she is a very strong woman and has my utmost respect. I understand your dad’s bringing you a lot of pain, but it seems you have to be the man now and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your siblings will look up to you!! You need to set the path for them you are the man of the house now.. what if you kill yourself? You don’t think it won’t affect them? All you’d do is implant suicide at a very young age in their minds and it’s not fair to them nor yourself to destroy your soul.
Find God, He is your Rock, your Strong Tower, your Refuge Strength and peace!
Take care of your family my brother and I promise, you will be rewarded later.
God bless you and your family!
I am so sorry for all of you who are thinking of suicide 🙁
Anthony, please don’t take your life. If you need someone to talk to you can message me via kik- username LeahKali.
I have tried this world for many years, I have not been able to hang on man made religious believes. I have ask God why, what he wanted of me and have come to the conculsion he does not want to answer,not that he does not disapprove. I was born to be elsewhere, but will never know that answer. Pain is not God’s wish nor mine
Bebe, it’s not that God doesn’t want to answer you it’s your not searching for him with your heart.. He doesn’t answer me either, but I can truthfully tell you He has answered me before. I’m from NYC most evil and corrupt city in the world. I grew up as the typical NYC inner city youth kid u see in movies. Selling drugs at 13 and doing them by 15. When I was 18 my life FLIPPED on me and something told me to grab my bible that I hadn’t opened since 6th grade nor ever read it. I began sleeping with it in my arms and my mom would pray over me while I was asleep and I didn’t even know this! I found out from my father. Anyways the next day something hit me to get the hell out of NYC so I msged my brother successful, 6 figure salary , grew up in same environment as me for help and he flew me out the very next day. The reason I stated his salary is because were all responsible for our own paths and there’s no excuse why I don’t make 6 figures besides I took my own road and failed.
Anyway the moral of the story is when I first came to where God moved me I was on FIRE for Jesus, addicted to the bible went to church and God showed me wonders and things that a man made religion could never show so please don’t call it that. He even spoke to me, showed me dreams that answered many questions in my life on why the things happend and I accepted it. But then I slowly stopped reading, going to church and now my world’s crumbling again which is what led me to this site for the same reason as u I want to kill myself. But as I’m reading some of yall stories and see yall in my age bracket I felt it was put on me to try and help save and preserve yall.
You have to be consistent in your faith is what I learned , when hard times come its no excuse to lose faith it should elevate your faith in fact. But I guess I was to blind to see that till now as I write to yall.
And your right God doesn’t want you to be in pain you nailed it! Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite bible verse “For I know the thoughts I have towards you declares the Lord, thoughts of good and not evil, plans for a hope and a future”
Man I’m shaking just writing that I feel the power and the truth in Him.
If you want Him to answer you and relieve you of your pain, than with your WHOLE heart seek and you will find, ask and you will recieve, knock and it will be opened to you. Don’t give up paradise is close than you’ll ever believe.
God bless your soul and mind!
Everyday the thought of no longer existing creeps into my mind. Life has become too painful and difficult for me to handle, I’m no longer stable. there are things I know, that I cannot handle knowing, things no one would want to believe true. I lived with a monster. The only thing human of him, is his outer husk, inside is evil. Purest form of evil, no humanity. I have no idea how to take care of myself, or how to be an adult. I’ve not even graduated highschool, and I am turning 21 very soon. I feel the world will crush me if I don’t escape. At the moment, the only thing keeping me alive, is the fear of the unknown of death. I often think about it, what will happen. Will I just stop existing? is life just a test for something more. If I don’t complete this life, will I be thrown back into it all over again until I complete it? I fear this the most. If I can’t handle this now, I couldn’t handle it again.
Don’t fear brother! I have a secret for you.. no one is able to handle life on their own and if they say otherwise they are liars. We all face hard times bro it’s nature.. and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed your still a child.. and I’m younger than you! But trials and tribulation isn’t biased.
I haven’t finished high school either and I’m 20 now almost 21 so you see we have common hardships. But I have a job and go to skool got my GED and have a 3.6 GPA In college . If you want to be an adult you need to forget about that monster and take initiative and ask in Jesus name to reveal the light to you.
God doesn’t want you to live in pain but there’s something called freewill my brother and if you decide to let urself drown in that pain that’s what will happen. Take the first step, find your local church be around people that will encourage you and counsel you they will not turn you down! The bible says to seek wise advice and counsel and where better than the house of God. I started going to church again last week and it brought me joy just to be in that scenery.
And to answer your question in a simplified way, if you kill urself only thing that’s going to happen is eternity in hell. That’s it nothing else. No reliving old life or a new one just suffer forever. This isn’t your permenant life Remember that it’ll all be over before you know it. Have faith and keep fighting the good fight and one day me and you and everyone else here will be in heaven together rejoicing the fact that we never pulled thru with suicide. So my brother, preserve your life and search for God with all your heart and I promise you’ll find him In the midst of all your pain. Just when you grab hold of Him don’t let go! Cause He won’t let go of you.
I came here to find an excuse to kill myself and see how people go thru with it and now look at me, where I came to find ideas on how to pull it off , I’m now trying to steer us all away from it!!
Mabe God brought me to this site for a reason!!
Love u bro Jesus does too!
God bless your soul
Sup everyone .. my names zach I’m 20 years old. I’m not here to talk about the suicide thoughts I crave but to help u guys realize there’s hope. Hope in God. I’ve been on the same boat and still am on that boat as all of u if not , worse things happend to me that I cannot even speak of .. literally. The bible has a fascinating story about a man named Job.. Job was one of God’s favorite He loved him dearly but God decided to let the devil tempt Job and test his faith and love for OUR living God. Job had EVERYTHING taken from him in a matter of days.
The devil took his family his possessions even inflicted him with boils on his body. And yes Job cried he suffered and had many questions for God as to why him of all.. I mean after all he was Gods favorite.. but little did Job know what was really happening.. it was a test of faith. One we ALL must be examined on.. in the end Job was restored of all that was done to him and his possessions increased seven folds more than his previous possessions.
We’re all being tested.. God is real people but the devil is as well and yall need to realize that. All this suicide crap is from the evil one. I’m not a very religious man but I know when I see the truth and the truth is in God. I’m still depressed I won’t lie and think of suicide everyday but I also think of eternal fire and suffering. The quote is correct suicide is a permament solution to a temporary problem.. cuz what’s after suicide? Eternal pain and suffering. You will beg for just a drop of water. And that’s enough to keep me from suicide. So if I have to live depressed all my days I will cuz I have HOPE in eternal life. That after this life I’ll have what we all want..
People don’t commit suicide , because all ur doing is losing and whoever drove u to this point that ull decide on will win!!! And we can’t let that happen!! Idk any of you but I love u all cause we all relate one way or another .
Pick up your shield (bible) and defend yourselves with the sword (words of God).
I love you all sincerely and genuinely and I hope none of u pull thru with it. Especially those of you who are around my age.. come on !!!! We’re to young for this and I’m not saying what we feel is wrong but it ain’t right either .. man up.. we got this your not the only one in this world that’s fighting this fight ….
I’ll leave you guys with this..
Remember we’re all God’s creation, Jesus ransomed our lives which we owe Him! His blood spilled for YOU and me this isn’t your permament
Body you do not own yourself Jesus owns us all!! Even the non believers. Take care of your holy temple, do not scar yourselves you do not have to spill your blood for this world . That job has been taking care of and also remember with Jesus Christ everyday can be a new day a fresh start and a new mission on the road to Zion.
I love you all and Jesus does too!!!
God bless all of you!!
– zach, your fellow brother in this war we are waging!
Dear everyone who has always claimed to know me well but constantly ignore me anyway,
You will forget me. And I will not be there to say I told you so.
Bea,
Jesus loves you. And I do too, though I do not know you. Please, feel free to email me at [email protected], for any reason at all, or if you just want to chat. I have experienced pain, and talking helps me. I will give you my time and listen to you, if you would like me to. I will be praying for you, don’t give up, please; people love you, and you are needed in this world. You are unique, unrepeatable, worthy,loved, and necessary in this world!
-Leah
If anyone reading this message needs someone to talk to, or just someone to listen to them, please feel free to email me at [email protected]. God loves all of us, and does not want us to take our lives away. Hugs to all reading this. You all are unique, unrepeatable, and loved as if you were the only person on Earth. God bless!
Hugs to all reading this. You all are unique, unrepeatable, and loved as if you were the only person on Earth.God loves you all dearly! God bless! If you need someone to listen to you, you can contact me at [email protected].
Reading through some of the comments breaks my heart . Know each and everyone of your lives are precious. I may not know what you have been/are going through just know there is always someone willing to help you through the hard times in life. Life can be so cruel sometimes and just when you feel like your doing something great things happen and your back to square one. But trust me God is with you always he will help you through the hardships of life. I will pray for you all going through hardships. If you ever feel like you need to talk or just anything heres my email [email protected] . My heart goes to you all . Don’t give up, God is with you .
Having read all the comments I could connect myself with many of the situations others are going thru, no job, no savings, no true friends, caring mother, beautiful daughter, argumentative partner, lack of understanding, no future prospects, no meaning of life, deteriorating health, unstable mental status, special child (suffering from Cerebral Palsy CP), no social interaction, no government support (unlike european countries), no such doctors/centers/option who can hear me and so on… The only difference is, when I get a thought to end my life (which comes every minute), there is a whisper in year that goes to my brain straight..which says why not try to settle things one more time. I have not been able to settle any of the issue I am facing in my life and worst is increasing but I still try and would try to settle issues in my life till my last breath. Life is not to give up, the actual meaning of life is to fight with situation without bothering whether you will win or lose. Now you can compare your situation with mine. Arun
dudes i feel the same i fucken hate my life like ¨how in the hell are you guys able to hurt me but im not aloud to hurt myself! the fuck is wrong with this fucken world!
but i also wanted to let you guys that are looking at this website to know that you are NOT alone i know that sounds cheesy but it is,yes you are depressed in the momment but later on you WILL regret it making that cut on your leg,arm,wrist but than look back and again regret it.
you yes you who is reading this you are beautiful in so many ways that i cant count i love you guys!
i will be checking this website like every day so if any one wants to talk to me i am here because i have been through hell and back so you are not alone but if i don’t respond right away i will eventually so check in soon to if you do really want to talk.stay strong
I am in the same boat I tried to kill myself many times
but I failed , I have had many opportunities to be happy but I failed.I had one beautiful girl that took advantage of me and never loved me . That was my last
chance of being happy , I wish to die many times but
I can’t do it , too weak!
Jose, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and hopeless, and I am sorry that you tried to kill yourself. And also, I am sorry that a girl took adantage of you.
Keep your hopes up! There is hope for you, and prosperous plans for your future. It may be hard to believe, but there is more out there than her to make you happy.
Finally though, not killing yourself shows strength, not weakness. There is strength in holding on and enduring life. Keep holding on, I believe that you can stay strong. God wants you here for a reason. Go to Him, and he will fill you with grace.
You forgot one of the greatest suicide notes written with only three words.
“So long suckers!”
i am going to suicide,bcoz i am still working without pay from last month,i have no money to survive for fooding/house rent/mislenious etc. so i have no other choice for survive & no other way for live..so good bye now…
Michael Jr.,
Please do not kill yourself. There are plenty of people who surely would be willing to help you out.
I’m so fucking sad. I can strongly relate to so many,
many of these letters & notes.
I’m currently 16 years old. I’m a girl in 11th grade.
I’ve tried to drown myself in the bathtub for three
hours with a towel wrapped around my face.
Life is so fucking hard.
My childhood sucked. Real, real bad…
My own mother brainwashed me and told me terrible things
that I never should have ever heard.
And it’s so hard.. to not.. give up.
It’s so hard to live while constantly being unsure
of the past and what i’m allowed to be upset about
and what I shouldn’t be.
I keep crying, and hurting so bad inside.
All the time.
I don’t know.
My mom refuses to admit to anything she’s done.
And she manipulates everything.. it hurts so.. much..
She gets inside my head and I can’t think straight.
I just wish.. that when people found out I tried to
kill myself, that they would have reacted better.
It was so cold, so detached.
So cruel.
All I needed, all that was necessary was a hug and support.
I can’t, I.. I feel like i’m breaking – crumbling..
I’ve been meeting with a psychologist for more than a year
and a half now. In February it will be two years.
It seems so far away.
She’s the sweetest person I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.
I think it makes her uncomfortable that I view her as a motherly figure..
I’m so, so sorry. I’m fucked up.
I just.. don’t want to cause anyone any more pain.
I don’t want people to waste their time on me, worrying.
I don’t deserve to be cared for. I.. I’m crying.
Please forgive me.
I don’t mean to be so annoying and messed up.
My psychologist encourages that i’ll have a good relationship
with my mother. GOD. that hurts. I.. don’t.. know…
what to think.
It hurts so badly. My heart, I mean..
And.. And I just.. please.
Why must I keep living. Why, what is worth it?
My friends, yes. My beautiful amazing lovely friends.
If only I deserved their friendship.
God it makes me tear up.
Dying would be incredibly selfish of me, wont it?
Yet it’s so hard. I just hope, I hope my therapist, Hemda,
believes me. I don’t know why I doubt she does.
I don’t know why, when many do believe me.
I think the main reason is that I don’t believe myself.
Living in constant doubt is absolute torture.
The pain I feel is un-describe-able.
I hope I haven’t been as big as a burden I feel that i’ve
been. I want to thank everyone who made me feel truly loved.
Who made me smile and were kind to me.
Thank you, so so much to my therapist that was the first to
open my eyes and tell me my parent’s weren’t ok.
Even if she regrets it now, and thinks i’m wrong.
I’m so sorry Hemda. I really don’t deserve to have you in
my life. Even if it’s only once a week, and sometimes twice.
I hope- I hope that you don’t want me gone. But I won’t
blame you if you do. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry if i’m being annoying now too.
god. I’m so irritating I piss myself off- how pathetic.
Anyway- I want to thank my beautiful friends for being there for me always and letting me be there for them. I’m sorry
if I weighed too much on you. That was cruel of me.
Please forgive me.
I want to thank my teachers for believing in me and giving
me support. For caring for my well being. For having interest
in my life and in my happiness. You’ve made me smile countless times and made my day much better.
Even with the countless exams, projects and finals –
I feel at peace and happy when i’m at school. Thank you.
I want to thank my school counselor or being the sweetest, bravest woman I’ve had the honor to meet. I absolutely love how quickly you came to like me and care for me.
How you stood up for me, against my parents without blinking
twice. I love how you were always honest with me.
I love how you made me laugh and cry and smile for hours
straight. I will always cherish you.
I don’t any adult has been this way with me, ever.
Thank you.
And thank you, my two little sisters and twin brother.
I love you so.
I do want to thank you again though, Hemda, for really
being there when I needed you most – even when I was an
awkward lil shit. Your heart is golden and kind. The kindest
i’ve known. Your kids are super lucky. Your entire family is.
And.. I… hope that you understand the extreme pain I feel with my mother, and i..
I just… Forgive me. Please.
I will always love you dearly. I hope you know that.
And I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable.
I will try to keep on fighting, for now.
I make no promises, but that I will try my best.
It has been my pleasure to make the kind people in my life
smile and giggle. And witness some sneeze.
My therapist sneezes like a kitten, and by god it’s adorable.
And then there’s my sister who sneezes in a unique and
hilariously-cute way.
Heh.. Well. The pain still burns my insides, but..
I will try to not give up.
I promise.
Hello everybody. My name is Andrea and I am 22 years old, currently living in Denmark, at least for some few more hours. I have been through a lot of medical or self induced problems since I was four. I had asthma, which I am cured from, been in an alcoholic coma at six and had a blood disease, idiopathic thrbocytopenic purpura when I was seven. All these three times I have been on the edge of dying because of my immune system. I have lived in Romania most of my life, at first in a two room apartment together with my parents and my grandparents from my father’s side. They were always having arguments on different things, mostly insignificant. But there came along the event that changed my life because I allowed it to. I don’t blame anybody. One day, when I was 11, my grandfather’s health started to fade for a whole, and so was my mother’s, who had a heart problem. They started arguing in the kitchen, where all five of us where. My grandmother and my father didn’t say a word, but I yelled at them to stop arguing, since I couldn’t take that any longer. In the next second, my mother slapped my cheek and I fell on the floor, bleeding. I haven’t hated her. I haven’t been angry at her. Although, something changed in me. It wasn’t the first time she hit me and it wasn’t the last either. I don’t know why I broke apart inside of me, but I did. Right after that, I have closed myself in and gathered all the bad things in my whole being, so I became full of hatred and acting cold with everybody. I couldn’t open my heart, and I felt entitled to push everybody around, perhaps because I didn’t want anybody else to go through the same that my mother got through in the second she hit me. (To be continued.)
So I decided that nobody will hurt me and I will hurt nobody. I was angry, desperate, in pains, in a complete torment, social decay and I stepped into my own mind, in a world filled with depression and angst. Some years after I got a boyfriend, after numerous one night stands, due to my sexual addiction, perhaps even nymphomania. I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to love him or anybody else. I loved writing though. I loved reading books. But then I came to Denmark. I came here together with that first boyfriend. It was the 30th of August when my mother and I arrived in Copenhagen. I did not have anywhere to live and the only things I brought with me were clothes, books and my camera. My mother eventyally went back to Romania after a couple of days and I livd with that boyfriend. But I knew I had to break up with him. So I got another boyfriend, found a place to live and moved on with mh life for the next one and a half year. I was going to university, I changed schools meanwhile and I liked being with someone. Even someone that didn’t know who I was. I was filled with so many feelings that I couldn’t deal with because I wouldn’t let them out, so I attempted to kill myself. I ended up in the middle of the road with a few bruises because the car which was about to kill me, stopped in time. I wanted this glorius ending. I felt entitled to take my life in pure daylight, in front of hundreds of people, getting splashed by a car. It was a few days before my birthday, on the way back to my place from a psychologist. He told me that I should search to put out there all the love I felt for people and aldo all the hate and the boiling rage. And then it is more likely to be released by those demons I kept fighting. He couldn’t be more right. Less than two weeks later I met N. And I knew I would do anything to have him and to keep him. And I wanted im to love me for who I really was and not the angry person I let myself be. So I knew I had to change. The same summer I was convinced I was making progress. I went to a tattoo shop and wrote REVOLUTION on my arm. It had nothing to do with politics. It had everything to do with the revolution I started inside of me. I have done so for two and a half years. But now N. couldn’t love me the same any longer because he couldn’t tolerate my anger and my moodswings. And I refused to go to a psychologist, as I said I would. This happened last Friday. It was actually Saturday morning already. Ever since I did not feel anger, pain, sadness or love. I can’t feel anything but a vast emptiness, devouring me from inside out. In those two and a half years I put out there everything I accumulted in nine years. But I couldn’t sort out what came out of me or how it came out of me. If I have any regrets, it is because I can’t love N. anymore or anyone/anything else for that matter. I asked N. to marry me this year in May and he said yes. And I would have loved to marry him and I have made a pact with myself that I am going to love N. until the day I die. I can’t love you anymore sweety so I have to die. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I know though that if there is any bit of feeling left somewhere in me that right now I can’t sense, it’s nothing else than a last drop of love for you. I have loved you like no one will. Goodbye my friend, my lover, my light.
Andrea, you are truly loved
I am tired. Tired of the fight. I could write a book on why I want to leave this world but just I am tired of this world and the people I it.
Bye
Paul, please stay…..
Hi Andrea
I was cleaning the apartment and found the small notebook where you wrote your story. I wasn’t able to read it before because i couldn’t deal with your suicidal thoughts at the time. It was too hard. Im sorry got how exactly you felt about me. I thought you just put me on a pedestal because of childish fascination and that your tattoo was an impulse to fit into my world. I never quite understood why you chose to do the things you did but then again you never opened your self up. You should have done so. Now i am the one not knowing how to feel or how to be. My mind and heart is shattered into dust. Im just cruising along with random bursts of emotions. I just wish you have stayed in my life. Not as a lover or my light cause you were both in many ways, but as a friend for life.
The thing that hurts me the most is that you didn’t want me as a friend at all. It was partner or nothing.
It has left me angry, hollow and alone even when i spend time with others. Drinking seems for the most part only to enhance those emotions and there is no escaping my self. You may feel dead but i have not felt this destroyed for years. Im sorry I couldn’t live you anymore but it was killing me to do so. Like flesh rotting away.
I hope you have done evil to yourself, this world is a better place with you in it.
Please just come home so we can figure out how to pick up the pieces and be friends till we die.
Lots of love
N
Hi Andrea
I was cleaning the apartment and found the small notebook where you wrote your story. I wasn’t able to read it before because i couldn’t deal with your suicidal thoughts at the time. It was too hard. Im sorry got how exactly you felt about me. I thought you just put me on a pedestal because of childish fascination and that your tattoo was an impulse to fit into my world. I never quite understood why you chose to do the things you did but then again you never opened your self up. You should have done so. Now i am the one not knowing how to feel or how to be. My mind and heart is shattered into dust. Im just cruising along with random bursts of emotions. I just wish you have stayed in my life. Not as a lover or my light cause you were both in many ways, but as a friend for life.
The thing that hurts me the most is that you didn’t want me as a friend at all. It was partner or nothing.
It has left me angry, hollow and alone even when i spend time with others. Drinking seems for the most part only to enhance those emotions and there is no escaping my self. You may feel dead but i have not felt this destroyed for years. Im sorry I couldn’t live you anymore but it was killing me to do so. Like flesh rotting away.
I hope you haven’t done evil to yourself, this world is a better place with you in it.
Please just come home so we can figure out how to pick up the pieces and be friends till we die.
Lots of love
N
I am tired of life and just want to die i just want to sleep like never ever wake up again I don’t wanna think how my loved ones will do after my death I don’t want to live this life
It very painful
im sad, depressed, too skinny, ugly, useless, hated by all, mad, and alot more me and my little brother are adopted by ok people but the other kids hate me their older look better than me like to talk about how skinny i am its just that my metabolism is very fast i dont like the way my clothes fit no matter what i get high to not feel sad so i seem like the happiest person alive in front of people but im hurting i cut but people talk about me like i dont have feelings boys use me and the only one that really cares about me and my scars is more than 5 miles away and my mom wont let me get to him im in my bathroom with bleach, pills, and a knife one of them will have to work and it wont hurt cause before i start ill smoke a pound or two of marijuana idk whats ahead but it has to be better than this i dont care if it isnt and it wont get better im telling you so at 12:00 ill see whats on the other side o_o
Destiny Davis
P.S i will find a way to let you know if the other side is better :}
Aww don’t give up ! My heart goes out to you all . No matter what you go through or how hard life gets never give up. You all can accomplish great things. Know your worth so much more than what life has made it out to be. Lots of LOVE to you all.
14 year old girl- though I don’t know you, I know you are beautiful and unrepeatable- God made you special. I know it sounds so clichè, but please believe it. Trust in the Lord and He will lead you. “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” I know what it feels like to be super depressed and to feel ugly and unloved. Please listen to this song- “More beautiful You” by Johnny Diaz; it has helped me before. Finally, feel free to email me if you want to talk, or if you want someone to listen to you. My email is [email protected]. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. I am no expert at life, believe me, I am in college and my own life is messy, but if I can help you out in any way, please let me know. You deserve the best! Hugs! I will pray for you- God bless!
Wanna die, please live on! God has a plan for you! You are loved!
Live on everyone! God loves each and every person reading this! God bless!
So sad.
Please don’t give up. If you feel you have nothing to lose, then take the risks that can make your life amazing. In a short time, your life will be different. Why not try some wild stuff. Climb a mountain. Parachute out of a plane. Your not scared of dying, so why not? Try meeting important people. Push your way in to speak with the president or other world leaders. What do you have to lose?
If you want a listening ear or guidence, you can leave me a post.
There is just so much you can do if you have nothing to lose and don’t fear death. You can travel all over the world. You can join a mission in Africa. You can fight crime. You can be a daredevil. Why not give it a try?
I’ve had a hard life and have felt suicidal for a long time now… I think the first time was when I was 9 and I just wanted to shove a knife through my chest.
I am a pathetic awkward baby that can’t handle anything in life and this is what I will always be. I’m too socially retarded to make friends and sometimes I don’t want to because people are really ignorant and mean and there’s no point in associating myself with rude people. My family thinks I’m smart but I’m really not. In this world intelligence is defined by how successfully you can stomp on other people, not by anything else. Even school isn’t a test on how smart you are. It’s more “can you outcompete everyone else in your class or will you get stomped on?”. That’s what intelligence is so I refuse to be “smart.”
Even worse is I now have a serious chronic bacterial infection that started in my uterus and spread up to my breasts and my neck, has hardened my veins and into my joints (swollen lymph nodes everywhere, rashes, discharge, fatigue, numbness, bleeding, neurological changes) and my doctors believe i am making everything up and so does many people in my family despite obvious physical evidence… they expect me to just keep living to please them and make them proud. it doesn’t matter now since I figured out what’s really going on with me and have the cure coming soon (although once the infection is gone there will still be inflammation, numbness and pain and God knows if that WILL ever heal)… but now that I know how my family really is I want nothing to do with them… They’ve always been so toxic anyways, so disgusting with their violence, excessively drug use, yelling, inability to take care of their children… But thanks to my social failures I have no friends except for one who doesn’t really seem to like me all that much, I think she’s just friends with me because of obligation purposes… Therefore without friends I can’t rely on anybody else but family… I currently can’t get a job until my paperwork gets in the mail and that’s taking forever… and then once I get a job I will have to be fake or something because I’m just not social enough to be anything but stupid… God I just love hurting myself and beating myself up, it makes me feel good to destroy something so worthless… and getting into a relationship is not an option because I can’t have sex until/unless my reproductive tract heals and I know that’s all males want in a relationship and I will never believe otherwise. Hell that’s all I really want too because I’m not capable of loving creatures that only want me for sex anyways, I’ve never been in love, just infatuated, had my heart broken and have broken hearts too… So I refuse to be in another relationship.
The only thing that concerns me is if I kill myself I’ll probably be “punished” by some Almighty God and have to live this life over again, with the same karmic lessons… I really wish the atheists were right about nothing happening after we die but I’m afraid that sounds too Good to be true… I really really wish it was because it sounds even easier than heaven… which I’m pretty sure isn’t real, at least not for me… But I’ve never been depressed like this before, even despite the fact that I’ve been through arguably more difficult things than a neurological illness… molestation, kidnapping, etc… but I feel like my only escape from my family is to get healthy and just fucking leave into the woods where I starve to death… but before I die I want to be healthy for a little bit… just a little bit.
People often talk about how God has a purpose for us or we came here for a reason… Well that goes for everything, not just for good things… Sometimes our only purpose is to suffer, some people are meant to kill themselves, some people have evil purposes they must fulfill and that is the truth. Some people are meant to be slaves.
I don’t really enjoy life, I just go through the motions of life… I just hope to god that there comes a point in our existence where we are just nothing… I am tired of existing, there better not be anything after this life or I’m gonna snap.
I used to be a logical, well grounded atheist with no mental issues and I miss that. Now I can’t unbelieve in things like astrology, witchcraft, pantheism and I don’t find these things “enlightening”, I just find them rude… it’s rude to construct a soul, stick them in a human body, put it through stupid bull**** to please higher beings and then forcing the soul to exist after the human body dies just to deal with more karma and more bull**… God likes it when people suffer, just like the Romanians liked to watch gladiators die, just like we love to kill things in video games, just like we love to watch violent movies…
Okay I’m done… just needed to rant… and yes I am mentally ill although not quite enough for my therapists to ever diagnose me with anything besides depression…
Nathan ….you are spot on ! (comments 347 and 347 ) I got bored with life and just sad…I really felt tired of my life, so I started living dangerously..got a motorcycle and traveled down to Mexico alone. and went to all the places that I was warned not to. I went up into the mountains of Sinaloa..”Narco country” even met members of the Sinaloa cartel, who were actually friendly towards me. I took the front brakes off my motorcycle because I heard that riding a motorcycle without front brakes was “suicide” ..so far have logged about 40,000 miles. I found somewhere along my suicide mission that I was having a blast and was enjoying my life !!! I am not so eager to end it now .. I am 59, that will come soon enough.
@Not Saying
I have a male friend quite like you, and I’d be more than happy to talk to you if you’d like. I really think I might be able to help just a bit, if you’d contact me. Well, except for the medical issues. Those just require better doctors. . . . As you can see, I’m not some soothsayer of the all better paradigm; what I am is somebody who understands just a bit and thinks they can help where help is warranted.
You can reach me at [email protected]
I lost my wife, kids, house, parents are dying, no home, all I have is my job and life, soon I may loose my job. Depression and alcohol dont mix.
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Even if it seems like you have no one, or no one really cares but please realize my psychologist took his life and I have had 5 dear friends takes their lives a and the pain never really goes away so, please realize even if you dont see it or believe it right now God has a plan and a destiny for your life so please keep knocking on doors till you can finally let the pain out.